Faye confused

Let me see you throw your X up!

I guess I have a lot on my mind. Thinking about shit really at work, sitting here at home, and just everything really.

I guess first I might as well talk about TomorrowWorld. I never got a chance to talk about it and I would love to go into detail so I can have something on archive since I am really going off memory since my phone got stolen (that is a long story that I will get to later). So luckily I was able to get a ride with Corey, Drew, and Aimee (bless them) so we ended up leaving around 2am (we were supposed to leave at midnight) due to them wanting to make more kandi shit and whatnot. Not necessarily a problem but annoying since I could have relaxed some more at home instead of doing jackshit at Corey's for a few extra hours. Anyhoo, so we finally get on the road and I pretty much slept the whole way there. Got a ton of supplies at Wal-Mart...primarily just a ton of water, orange juice, apple juice, and NutriGrain bars. So we finally get to the camp site and before that Drew was totally freaking out about the drugs I had. Saying there were stop points along the way but of course me knowing better it was being told that to scare the shit out of people from bringing in drugs and of course I was right. There were none. I will admit though when we were going through the process of actually getting into Dreamville I kinda got nervous about the dogs. One in particular smelled my crotched and didn't smell shit. So those were probably just faux drug dogs just to scare people. Though I thought it was pretty cool that TomorrowWorld had drug amnesty boxes throughout the entrances and Dreamville. So we finally set up and we were literally right next to the Gathering stage and the general area and side entrances which was pretty nifty. So we pretty much just chill throughout the day exploring the area. I then realize that the cell phone service is absolutely horrid. So I didn't meet up with Goose and Angie till later in the evening. Music though was blasting from the stage all day so I checked out a couple of DJs...Florian Picasso is the one that really stood out until I really started partying aka Turn-Up Juice and Red Bull and vodkas! Thursday night I raged to M4Sonic, DVBBS, Sultan & Ned Shepard, and kinda Dimitri Vegas and Like Mike (they only played for ten minutes). I was completely trashed so I went to my tent around 1am and passed the hell out. Friday morning I woke up and had THE worst hangover. Then I realized I had the hangover shits. So I decided to be smart and not hit up the bathrooms near us since pretty much I knew EVERYONE used those. So I went down the boardwalk a little and found a bathroom. Only problem that it had THE LONGEST line. So I waited for maybe ten minutes and I realized that this wasn't going to work so I told the dude in front that it was a massive emergency (which it was) and he was kind enough to let me go. Sadly, it was the most horrendous poop of my life. I was so traumatized, I decided not to eat for the rest of the festival...which did happen. I only ate small loaf of bread throughout the whole festival that I saved til Sunday night. Anyhoo, I was so happy to meet up with some Orlando folks like my friend Jessica. When I came back to camp I managed to meet up with a friend I met the night before named Liz (really cool chick) and we decided to roll together with our Chelsea shirts which got a nice reception. We got into the festival and first thing I did was go check out the Ajunadeep stage with her because that's where she wanted to go since the mainstage didn't start til 1 with Le Castle Vania. So we stuck around a bit and vibed with the deep house that was playing and I was really starting to get over my surroundings. I left her to go to the main stage to check out Le Castle Vania and to see that mainstage up close for the first time is something I will never forget. Unfortunately I feel like I took it for granted. It was absolutely amazing it definitely had that feel where you had to smack yourself to really realize that you are there and this is really happening...something you saved up all year for and waited for and its happening. Anyhoo, raged my ass off to Le Castle Vania...played such a fantastic set with a good amount of dubstep and bass. After that I stayed for Henry Fong and man he was so damn good. While Henry Fong was playing I met up with Goose and Angie and I was so happy to see them. I really felt complete at the festival. So after Henry Fong killed it and represented O-Town to the fullest. We decided to head to the Laidback Luke's Super You and Me tent. Which Tujamo was playing. Now to be honest I wasn't expecting much from this set. Goose was really high on him but I dig a few tracks that Tujamo has made so I knew I would have a good time. I just didn't expect the HAM that Tujamo dropped it was unreal. At one point the HAM was so strong, he played mashup of "Who" with the training montage from Rocky. I legit flipped the fuck out and literally ran laps and did push ups...on the dance floor. It was unbeliveable and everyone was dying of laughter. The HAM was real folks. After Tujamo's fantastic set, we left to go check out Cash Cash but we decided to go on the hill (which was the best decision and we decided to stay there if we were going to watch mainstage sets). Cash Cash played a pretty good set and I continued to rage. After that Mat Zo played and I was looking forward to this set more than anyone's the whole weekend and he did not disappoint (now he wasn't the best but his set was the shit). After Mat Zo's set Goose and Angie were getting hungry and I was getting hellasleepy. I decided to charge my phone a little bit while they ate at the T-Mobile station and I literally fell asleep. They got me about 30 minutes later and we watched the last half hour of Dannic's set which was freaking great. After that we finally saw Bassjackers and oh my god...they fucking killed it. I probably went the hardest for them that day more than anyone else. Just banger after banger of HAM. What is even more crazy is that the BatNation crew found me! And they gave me kandi that they specifically made for me. I was so honoured to receive it. We decided to rage together for the rest of Bassjackers set and it was just great. Great times definitely. After that Goose and Angie wanted to see Blasterjaxx but I already seen them and I never seen Nicky Romero before so I told them to meet up with me when they were done and I went to the hill to go see NIcky Romero. He was good not great...nothing real memorable to be honest. Not that its a bad thing its just wasn't memorable that's all. Then it was Zedd...now by this point...I was rolling serious balls. And everything was seriously just a blast. I remember that Zedd was pretty damn great as usual but he played some stuff that had me tripping the hell out. Still a very strong set. At this point Sebastian was rolling (he met up with us after working at the bar) and he was annoying the shit out of everyone and told me that he can get my phone charged so I went to go get my phone charged behind the bar. So we went to go see Bassnectar and Sebastian decided to go see some deep house act (I think Maceo Plex). So Goose and I went to Bassnectar and to be honest we weren't feeling it (Angie decided to stay with Niki and see Tiesto). So Goose made the strong decision to see Yellow Claw (strongest decision of the weekend). I got my trap in so I was happy. Yellow Claw were definitely better than when I saw them play in Miami back during WMC earlier in the year. So we go back to get my phone. Had to hustle and lie my way through security to at least get to the bar and welp...my phone ended up being gone. So I go back to my tent and people were still pretty turned up. Luckily I found Liz at my tent area and I we just decided to walk around for a bit. We were both pretty tripped so we tried to find places to keep turning up like we found a pants off tent, managed to get really tripped out over some weird shit some dude was telling us, managed to walk back and forth down the boardwalk just to find a tent that was partying with some deep house. We did this til about 5 in the morning and I told her straight up that I was out for the count especially with the come down the Molly I was experiencing was happening. So I started walking a back and I oddly found Sebastian. So we ended walking around for a little bit and he told he was determined to find my phone. Got back to my tent and passed out. Woke up the next morning knowing that Saturday was the main event day. So I wore my Joker shirt, a tutu, and my Harley Quinn leggings. I knew I had to be up early since New World Sound was playing and they were priority. Goose and Angie were supposed to meet me at an area of Dreamville around 11 but they never showed but I still had the best time at New World Sound. Met some great people there who loved my raging and New World Sound played for two hours. So damn good. I then left to figure out what I was going to do. New World Sound kinda threw off my schedule so I didn't get to the mainstage til half way through Borgeous' set and of course he threw down THAT HAMmer. Between 4 and 5 was a blur to be honest. I kinda forgot who played but I remember I still had a good time seeing them. I remember that I stayed because I was hoping Goose and Angie would try to find me there I kinda gave up hope so I decided to go try again to find my phone. I had the chance to make out with a girl behind the bar but I was more concerned about my phone. After it wasn't able to be found AGAIN through some lame excuse the girl who took my phone gave me, I decided to pretty much give up on it and let it go. I didn't know if I was going to do TomorrowWorld again so I decided to just have a good time and let Goose and Angie be my eyes and ears of the festival. So Deorro comes on and kills, then I started to get tired and decided to sit down during Dyro. Man, it was tough but even sitting down I was raging to Dyro and people saw it and loved it! After that Tommy Trash comes on the mainstage and Angie and Goose show up! To be honest I was so happy to see them. I gave them the biggest hug. When they show up I knew it was time for me to roll. Before I did though I ended up meeting an awesome girl from the ATL who was there just having a good time. And she saw me raging for a little bit and she just wanted to dance with me since she claims that her friends were lame and just sitting there. I said sure and I got to talk to her for a little bit. Its unfortunate that I will never see her again though. I wish I had my phone at the time. Anyhoo, I pop my shit in the bathroom, then I load up on waters because I knew it would be a while before I could get another one so I had like five bottles at the time. So after I pop them I meet up with Angie and Goose and I kinda knew to be honest something was wrong. My hands started tingling and the stuff Tommy Trash was playing ended up being really trippy. So I kinda let it go...at first. Until near the end of Tommy Trash my arm started getting tingly and my hands got cold then I knew I was in trouble. So before Showtek I went to the general store to get some Advil since they didn't sell Aspirin. Felt better and I was ready for Showtek. Man, did Showtek bring it. A drugged up me kinda was mad tripped out but I had enough sense to realize that I had a pretty rude awakening. We decided to go to the side of the mainstage on the floor which was a great view because no one was really there so we had space. While walking down there I saw all these people that just look so stupid and ridiculous. Obviously they were drugged up and I then realized that I didn't want to look like that so I decided that Saturday was going to be the last time I was going to roll (until about a week ago I found a new dealer so if there its there...if not then no big deal). After Showtek we ran to go see Dillon Francis and MAAAAAAAN...Dillon Francis was probably my second favourite set of the weekend. Played a great deal of moohbathon and I was really loving it. Very different, I can't wait to see him at EDC-O. After Dillon Francis it was Diplo and it was just so cool seeing him. He brought out 2 Chainz and it was a very fun set. We left early to catch Skrillex...and OH MY GOD! Easily my favourite set of the weekend Sonny brought out a set that was very heavy in Trapstep and it was the shit. Even Goose said that was the hardest he has ever seen me go at a show. So strong. After Skrillex's set I was so exhausted from the comedown (I think I literally took almost a 1.2 grams that night if not a little more). So as soon as I got to the tent I heard people bitch and complain about Sonny's set and I literally wanted to smack them. I literally took 80mg of melatonin and passed the hell out. I ended up waking up Sunday at 11am, actually no, I woke up earlier around 9 because I smelled like shit. Like it was really bad...so I went to pay $5 to take a shower (yup you had to pay to shower). After that I literally fell back asleep and woke up at 12pm. I changed really quick and left to go to the grounds. While I was waiting I was checking a DJ that DM & LV signed (I forgot his name but he was pretty damn good) a lady came up to me and told me that she remembered me at Skrillex and the raging I showed was the grestest thing she had ever seen. Which warmed my heart. Anyhoo, I was supposed to meet Goose and Angie at the Dim Mak stage to see Botnek and they were late of course but not terribly late. Anyhoo, we managed to see Botnek and man they destroyed it. After Botnek, Felix Cartal and Autoerotique had a b2b. Goose made the strong decision to stay and man WHAT A DECISION! So unreal it was absolutely beautiful. After that we left to go meet up with Goose's friends and for Goose and Angie to get some food. We hung around Dreamville for a bit and left to go fill up our waters and go see Carnage. Goose's friends wanted to be up close but I told them straight up that I need space to rage. I'm not all about that whole scammonz of being up close and shit its not worth it to me. I have never been like that at any show. Anyhoo, Carnage sucked. I'll just leave it at that. Right before Carnage ended Goose and Angie decided to go get Angie's phone which was in a locker at Dreamville so they went off while I watched the rest of Carnage which didn't fully bore me to death because he brought out Migos to rap "Bricks"...which was very cool. Carnage still sucked though. After Carnage, it was W&W time. Now the last time I saw W&W it was at SMF and it was not a very strong set. Boy, has the times changed. Halfway into the set Goose and Angie came back and legit that is when W&W got strong. Banger after banger and then they dropped "Bigfoot" it was amazing. After W&W it was Martin Garrix, now at this point I decided Sunday was going to be my completely sober day. So when Garrix came on my body started to get fatigued. So I said to myself that I was going to sit down for Garrix...that didn't last long really. Maybe for a couple songs then he busted out with "Proxy" and it was all over. Before that though, I hung and got a little close to Niki's friend (forgot her name). The music got to me though and I ended that real quick. People asked me if I ever got back if I ever laid and I proudly say that I didn't. I'm weird man, when it comes to festivals yeah it would be real easy for me to get poon since everyone is on drugs and girls really dig my vibe but for me its not about that. Its about the music. I learned that at TW even though my body was breaking down from the lack of food I still kept raging. At one point during Garrix's set he played "Gold Skies" at that moment I realized that my time at TW was ending and I felt euphoric and I cried. It was a wonderful moment. After Garrix's set (he destroyed it btw) Goose and I went to go see Cosmic Gate. It was interesting because I never saw a trance act before and man it was amazing. Cosmic Gate were so damn good. I kinda had the trance tears going too when they played "Happyness". About a little more than half way into their set my body officially gave up. So we sat down the rest of the set and found Angie. To end our night/TW experience we decided to see 3 Are Legend (Steve Aoki, DV & LM) which they did not disappoint in fact they FUCKING KILLED IT! And man even though my body was shot, I still raged my ass off. I kinda wish I saw Datsik but I knew something like that I probably would never get a chance to see again but 3 Are Legend was just amazing and brought everyone on stage with them. Even before 3 Are Legend Goose and I saw Waka Flocka and he was fucking great. After 3 Are Legend, I said my goodbyes to Goose and Angie and went back to camp. I took another 80mg of melatonin because for some odd reason I guess there was an official TW/Dreamville afterparty with Yves V. but I wasn't having it. My body was shot, I was exhausted, and I was ready to head home. The next day I woke up, we packed our shit, and left. I slept the whole way back since I didn't really have a form of entertainment to entertain me. When we got back to Orlando THEY decided to go back to eat and while they did that I decided to get a new phone. I didn't have much of choice so I got the iPhone 6. I wish I was able to get the Plus but I am content with 6...unfortunately the 6 isn't much of an upgrade from the 5s. So in the long run it really was a waste of money. I didn't want an Android so I am stuck with this. Anyhoo, we get done and head back to the meeting spot of Corey's house. Got our shit and that was it. That was my TW adventure. It was the adventure of a lifetime. I loved every second...if I could relive it...I would. Stolen phone, nasty camping, shitty (no pun intended) portapotties, pay2shower, everything. I can't wait to go next year to try the hotel experiment.

Now here is where real life begins. I get home and first thing I do is take a shit and take a shower but before I do I open up my computer and see everyone posting about TW and I get to posting about my phone being stolen and that I am alive. My FB and phone blows up with people asking me how I was and how was my vacation. Except for one person. J2. Now she has been bugging me about a discount for a her "friend" (who probably is her type of boyfriend material) for a hotel room. Though I told her that I wouldn't be able to get to it until I got back from ATL. Well, I get back and the first thing she mentions on FB chat is "Hey sorry about your phone, when can you get that paper to me." I literally looked at my screen like WTF?! So I decided to ignore and keep responding to my friends. Later, she then get on my comments and telling me to answer and shit. After that all my friends hit me up telling me like she's fucking crazy and shit! I laughed and pretty much ignored her. Then out of nowhere she shows up to my front door. I basically hinted to her that I didn't want her around. She got the hint and left. Now for a few weeks now I have been admittedly been trying to get her out of my life. I told her that I was pretty much in love with her. I had all these feelings for her and I thought we had a pretty great date at Disney the night I told her and even paid for her meal at Be Our Guest but she gave me this bullshit about how she needs to love herself and take care of school and shit before she can think of a relationship. That was back in July. Fast forward now...I clearly figure out that what she told me was bullshit. She says she can read me like a book, well dammit I can read her like a book too and the way she talked to her "friend" when we last hung out and the way she has been so persistant about this pretty much hinted and confirmed that she sees this dude as boyfriend material. So ever since that day I pretty much decided that I have to purge this girl out of my life...slowly yet surely. I was meaning to officially do it yesterday but that didn't happen face to face, it pretty much happened over the phone. We made plans to go eat at Teppan Edo at EPCOT. But she assumed that we weren't on speaking terms so pretty much with that she decided to pick up a shift at work and not even bother to confirm anything. She said she asked about it but I pretty much blew it back at her ass calling bullshit because she never did. I knew she forgot about it. She never found it important. If she did then she would have asked or something close to that. So its whatever. That is and probably the last time I will ever talk to her which I am fine with to be honest. Friends come and go. I still got my sister, Amber, and my brothers. That's all I need. The only problem with that is that is that everyone is so busy Liz has got a b/f that I don't like and is around her 24/7, Amber lives in a Melbourne and has a scammonz (I am not about that third wheel life), Gary lives too far away, Matt has a scammonz and its getting serious, and David lives in LA. So I guess you can say that I am kind of a loner. I am fine with that. I have done things alone a lot of the time. Granted, I'm not totally alone...70% of the time I go to shows is so I don't feel alone, so I feel like I am worth something. That's why I love raging with my crew. We are like a family and its an amazing feeling but when that's not around. It sucks. It really hit me last night that I'm really lonely. Its why I have so many jobs (five). I hate being home alone. I hate being lonely so I keep myself busy by having a shitton of jobs. I hate that that is the way it is but unfortunately it is. I just wish I could find someone that I lose myself in. I thought I did with J2. But...I guess that wasn't meant to be. Sometimes when I get into thoughts like these it makes me wonder what if with Amber. Maybe Amber was that one for me but I fucked it up. I kick myself in the ass more than I want to because of it. I miss her a lot and I hate that I am still in love with her because much like J2 the feelings mutual. She's head over heels over her current scammonz and I don't want to fuck that up. That dude treats her way better than I probably ever could.

Wow, I can't believe this entry took my over two hours to write.
  • Current Music
    Beastie Boys - "B-Boy Bouillabaisse"
Yeah..I made it..delete it if you want.

One of the most polarizing birthdays ever.

My day started off pretty shitty when I bought a scam sound system. But then I had a great brunch with my sister, saw Sugar Ray for the fourth year in a row, and just doing quite well granted celebrating it here at Disney alone. You know what though I am okay with that. Today is my day of peace. I am tad upset that J2 decided to give me lame ass excuses as to why he didn't even bother coming out. So I am just here about to eat at Teppan Edo and I can't wait. Heard great things about it. I guess I should talk about TomorrowWorld.

Next entry I swear.

I still get oddly giddy when Amber texts me.

I'll leave yall with a picture of the birthday twins.
Yeah..I made it..delete it if you want.

Gone Home

I just finished playing a game called Gone Home. It was only $3 on Steam and there was a good amount of hype behind it so I figured "Fuck it" and I just decided to play it. It played pretty normal for a while and its different, it challenges you at first to basically figure out wtf no one was home when you got home from a European trek. So at first you are like oh its a ghost story or maybe death would be involved. Instead it turned into a game where you learn primarily about your sister and it was like she was going through a faze of where she was learning about herself and who she is. There were other minor stories in the game too but the sister (Sam) is the one that is the main point. I grew up as a different person of sorts. I was never really accepted for who I was until around my junior year of high school. I felt for her because of her finding someone who completed her as a human being, accepted her for who is, and apparently fell in love. You also feel for the loneliness that she felt. I felt that because well hell that is what I am experiencing now actually. I found someone a year and a half ago who truly completed me. She understood me, stuck with me, and all that jazz...except she never liked me like that. Just as a friend which absolutely has crushed me. She and her ex never understood why I never liked him. I made up all these stupid excuses but in reality it was because I was in love. So now it seems like we probably won't be friends ever because of some scammonz that had to deal with moving in with her and another friend. I gave her the excuse of it being because I was scared about getting fucked over after a year because she finds boyfriends like they are a candy from a candy store, so I was scared that she would find a dude and then they would just leave and I would be fucked. In reality, the real reason after really thinking it over was because I didn't want to be hurt from her bringing boys home since she does the online dating thing. I knew that would emotionally kill me. I am not going through that again of just being constantly hurt, sad, and unhappy especially after bringing in my ex to my crib for a few months in which that alone was a painful process. I had to do it...I had to tell her no. Of course for not the truth but for another stupid reason which was one of my other reasons as to why I couldn't move in with her. I can understand why she is upset at the thought but at the same time I have to look out for myself and my well-being. I have been a lackey and pawn and a cushion for too many girls and I am just done with it. I need to do shit for me for once. I think I have pretty much determined that after the NBA season ends next season I am moving to San Diego or Seattle (with a coworker)...more likely Seattle though. San Diego is beautiful and I just really need to get out of Florida I think. Its not for me anymore. The weather sucks, girls don't like me, and I'm not happy here. I love whatever friends I do have here and my pubmates but its not there anymore. I thought about maybe moving back home to be close to my brothers again but my parents house has no AC and my mom and dad are on the rocks again. I wish I never moved out of Gary's house. I was just so happy over there. I really was. Its been a long time since I have been happy. What is crazy is that the only time I feel happy is when I go to raves. I let loose of everything and I forget for two or three hours that my life kinda blows. Those two or three hours though just make me so happy though. Losing Jaime (or if you follow my Twitter @blaktimusprime you may know her as Pam) has absolutely destroyed me. She honestly was my everything and I did everything and anything for that girl. What we had was genuine and even though it wasn't romantic (which I wished it was) it felt close enough. We had so many good times, in fact I don't think I have ever had a better time with anyone in my life. Yeah I had my pet peeves about her such as her complaining a shitton, her short fuse, grammatical errors, and (with love) she was pretty fucking stupid. Usually that shit would turn me off hardcore I think it was her personality, her loyalty, and just her understanding me as a person that got me. Every time we went out it was an adventure, something new all the time even if we did hit up the same place over and over again it would just be something so different. It seriously was just amazing. I don't know if I will or ever again meet anyone like her again. I'm not crying about this because I think I have just fully accepted of what is going down. Even if she gets back to me, I probably won't listen to it for a good while. I pretty much professed my love to the girl haha! I purposely got drunk last night just so I can have the balls to do it. I don't really remember what I said but I pretty much said a bunch of jibber jabber that I am sure that would get her angry but its fine. I did not apologize for backing out though. Again, I did what I did for me and getting hurt because of another woman and her agenda is not on my list of things to put with again. I am going to miss her a lot though.

I didn't say goodbye though. If I do remember saying one thing last night it was this.

"You know I never say goodbye because that means forever. So til we meet again whether it would be in a hours, days, weeks, months, or years. I wish you the best in your future endeavours and I shall bid you adieu."

I don't know when its going to be the next time I write in here. I do thank Livejournal for still being around for just giving me an outlet. I have always been uncomfortable telling people how I feel. I always feel better doing it here. No clue how I went from a video game to talking about my loneliness.
  • Current Music
    Emily Badinger - "Adieu"
Yeah..I made it..delete it if you want.

The government hates dead rappers

Pam was right bringing her back here would be dangerous to my emotions. Yesterday was one of those days where I remember how we were so rad in the first place. I am in love all over again. So pointless since she is moving to Melbourne.


Yeah..I made it..delete it if you want.


I decided to write here about my experience on Thursday night when I saw Zedd and good Lord it was probably one of the most if not the most magical nights of my life. That show changed my life. Granted, maybe it was because I was under the influence of Molly (Walter White Shit as I coined it) which was my first time ever trying it. I thought about not doing it but I said fuck it....let me just try it once. I don't regret it one bit. I went so fucking hard it was ridiculous, minus the dude that wanted to beat my ass for having a good time. It was just glorious, people wanted to take pictures of me and even with me, I'm all over YouTube, got new FaceBook friends, I danced with so many scammonz in fact scammonz were lining up to dance with me, and people legitimately thanked me for going so hard that I did it just rubbed off on them and caused them to party. It was just great, I felt so appreciated and accepted into the EDM culture, just thinking about it I am getting all emotional because I honestly did not want that night....in fact I didn't want that moment to end.

I hope to recreate at least 40% of that moment when I go to Adventure Club in November. I just hope that Chris and Coco would want to go to that show.

I owe them so much for making that night so magical and a night I will never forget.
  • Current Music
    Eric Prydz - "Pjanoo"
Yeah..I made it..delete it if you want.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry...

To this day I can't believe I laid out my heart and soul to that girl early yesterday morning and I wasn't even drunk. I was pretty full of delusion but I know what I said and meant it.

Fucking sucks that I am too damn late.

Fuck me. *sigh*

The connection is still there it seems though. I honestly do believe that there is a small glimmer of hope. Sounds crazy but I don't have hope for much nowadays but that is one thing that I truly believe in.

"I just want to see you, I just want to feel you, be right there by your side. Under the same moonlight."

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Yeah..I made it..delete it if you want.

If our love...

"Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need. Chasing relentlessly, still fine and I don't know why. If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?  If our love is insanity, why are you my clarity?"

This song has been my life in a nutshell in the last year and almost two months.

  • Current Music
    Zedd - "Clarity"
Yeah..I made it..delete it if you want.

Love you mate.

This song never fails to absolutely destroy me. In fact, it always makes me cry at least tear up. It's dedicated to a very close friend of the band who died.

The song is about the death but there are always ways that people can look at it differently to where it can be about people who have just left their life period.

I guess I relate to that sort. 

I want to say that I have moved on, but I honestly I haven't. It has been almost a year and I am still utterly destroyed. It just sucks, every night in my dreams, every time I have time to myself its like you are there. I don't know why. I really don't.

I think what destroys me the most is that I blame most of it on myself and my conscience constantly eats at me about it. The would'ves, could'ves, should'ves. It nags and nags and nags and nags. My life seems like everything is gravy but I am not. No one really knows it either, except the twin. I tend to keep things to myself for a reason. I really really hate when people know my business. Then again, I don't really have anyone that cares to listen to my problems. I have been such a listener for so long, it seems like when I want to say something people almost kind of shrugs it off and goes back to their problems because I always seem like that dude that never has had problems because I don't act like it. Maybe that is another reason as to why my communication skills blow. Though also, the way I grew is also another reason. I don't know.

I will say that this past year has been the hardest yet most fulfilling year of my life. I have got to experience so many things that I never would have dreamed to experience such as floor seats at a Magic game (against my Bulls nonetheless), be the first to christen a ride at Walt Disney World, go to opening day of the New Fantasyland, see Weezer play twice (both the Blue and Pinkerton albums in full), the list can go on (and no its not all just Disney stuff but general stuff too). I have also made some lifestyle changes mostly on the health side of things. I don't eat fast food anymore, its been almost a year since I have drank a soda, I go to the gym almost every day, etc. Though its been hard I mean real hard. Days where I won't even get out of bed, I drink too much, unmotivated to do anything with school to where I am almost about to get kicked out, etc.

A part of me wanted to give up, and I almost did. I hit completely rock bottom.  To the point where I even tried to end it by taking about 13 melatonin and drinking two cans of Four Loko and a few beers to down them. Where I really just didn't want to wake up. It sucked. I was saving up for a gun since that method didn't work but I wanted to save it for after I went to WM29 then end it. Then I just met these great people on Nov. 23rd that probably saved my life. I am out pretty much every night either at one of my jobs or with my friends. We all have gotten pretty close to where I consider them family. Still though, they yet to know how much I hurt.

This is the only place I feel where I can express things like this. That's why I post all this emo bullshit here and sometimes on my Twitter but over there is pretty much all indirect so no one really knows what's the deal. I have been great at putting on a mask and so far its still working. I think one of these days I will just need to have someone with me, a bottle of some sort of alcohol, and me being intoxicated to really express to someone how I feel or I guess I how I am. That is pretty sad.

I guess I can say that I lost the moon, while counting the stars.

"Love you mate."
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